The F word

(No, no...not "feminism." I'll have plenty to write on that another day.)

Have you ever had themes to your days? You'll think about something and then all day, everything seems to tie back into it? Songs, random things people say, articles or news you come across, etc. Well...today was definitely one of those days. And the theme was forgiveness.

I took a personality test that was supposed to rank your core character strengths in 24 areas. (My top five were 1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence 2. Gratitude 3. Judgment, critical thinking, open-mindedness 4. Curiosity and interest in the world 5. Perspective/wisdom. I found the first one a little strange...?) But anyway, the one ranked next to last was "Forgiveness and mercy."

I'm very aware (and not proud) of the fact that I'm a grudge-holder, and not exactly known as one to forgive-and-forget. Seeing it there in black and white as my lowest "strength" kinda hit me hard though. It definitely got me thinking about one person in particular that not only have I not forgiven, but hold active anger and resentment toward. Not for something they did to me, but for the unspeakable hurt they've caused someone else.

So amidst thinking about this, a few random things happened throughout the day that seemed to reinforce the idea that "to err is human, to forgive is divine." The most blatant one was at the doctor's office, of all places. I was sitting on the little exam table waiting for her to come in, and on the wall about 2 feet from my face was a chalk board with a quote of the day. Today's was:

Have the courage to forgive yourself
Have the compassion to forgive others.
Holding to resentment, anger, hurts...
Knits wounds into your bones.
Forgiveness is a healer.

-Mary Anne Rademacher

Yeaaah. I don't think that, or anything else that happened today, happened by accident. While you could argue that I noticed things related to forgiveness disproportionately today because I had already been thinking about it...I don't believe that's the case.

It's hard to think long term when you're in the midst of something with high emotion involved. I'm only thinking why they're wrong - not that later on in life I might regret letting the relationship slip. I like the quote attributed to Buddha..."holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." It doesn't hurt the other person whatsoever, only the one who harbors the resentment. It's hardest to forgive, I think, when a tie has long been broken, they have admitted no wrongdoing, and haven't sought your forgiveness. Then you're not forgiving them directly...it's just an internal thing to let it go.

So, I am slowly beginning "Operation Defrost." It'll be a process, that's for sure.